God is prepared. (Even when I am not)

Well today in church I was to get up and share my testimony with the entire congregation. As previously mentioned I was actually somewhat nervous to speak for once in my life. So I went where I go when I usually feel stressed or nervous: my computer. I tried typing last night but I was just too tired after being at my school all day helping run its "Day of Percussion", so I figured, "hey I can just wake up super early and type before I have to go to praise band practice". Even though I don't think of Sunday as a day of rest my body definitely knows it. I slept through both my regular alarm and my "just in case" cell phone alarm. I ended up only waking about thirty minutes before I needed to be at practice so all I had time for was a shower and pancakes.

 I then decide I will just type very quickly between practice and Sunday School. My class is small and consists of very lazy people so even though all of the other classes start at 9:15, our class doesn't start until about 9:45 most Sundays. After practice I go to my classroom to type before any others show up and I get about five sentences written before the teacher shows up 25 minutes earlier than usual. I am not good at refusing conversations so I felt obligated to talk to him about his week instead of typing.

My final option was to either sneak out of class ten minutes before the service starts and type it then, or just simply wing it. I didn't like either option very much but went with the former just to play it safe. I ended up typing on my laptop in front of the entire church while people filtered in, and was so engrossed in my sheer speed as a world class typist(not), that I didn't even realize the worship leader had started the first song without me. However, I am well versed in making musical mistakes seem like they were not mistakes at all; so I just joined in right at the first chorus and no one was the wiser. Despite my late musical arrival I was content for the time being because I had completed the main task; I had finished writing. Well twenty minutes later when the songs had been sung, the piano had been played, and the drums had been bashed, it was finally time for me to get up and talk.

Somehow all of my anxiousness and nervousness was gone. All of my insecurities about getting up and speaking were gone and had been replaced with a renewed vigor to share what God had placed on my heart. I boldly left the security of my laptop's notes behind and got up and just started talking. I talked about my life and when God wasn't in it. I talked about how much my life has changed since I put him in control. I talked about his unending love and how I finally came to accept it. I talked about the church and the role program's like AWANAs and my youth group have had on my life. I talked for a bit about where I see God in our church's future and how we should never lose the vision of hope that his grace and mercy brings. Finally I ended with a rather long prayer thanking the Lord for his faithfulness, grace, mercy, forgiveness, love, power, and unending devotion to me even though I reject him at almost every turn. There was no applause,  and no solid "AMEN" at the end of the prayer. No, there was only silence following all that I had said. My second mother (Terri) had to go get tissues, but that was about the extent of any sign of life in the audience. Silence is most definitely what I preferred as I was on the verge of tears from the emotional weight my message carried in my own heart. After sitting down I realized I had talked for almost twenty minutes, but I knew the pastor didn't mind one bit as everything I talked of fit perfectly like clockwork into what his sermon was about. He probably had to cut it short because of how much time I had taken, but to me it didn't seem like he was rushed in what he was sharing so all was good in the long run.

Immediately after the closing song ended I tried to get out of the building as fast as I could. I had no shame in anything I said. I just knew that tons of people would try and talk to me about it. to be honest I just don't know how to compose myself when taking compliments about my work. It has always been this way for me for as long as I can remember. Almost every Sunday some person will come up and thank me for my contribution to the music, or for a a recent special performance, but I can never just sit there and take it. It is not because I think they are wrong to compliment someone of their work, but when it is something at church the doer's motive should be to praise and please God, not any kind of glory for their talent and abilities. I know tons of church musicians that feel the same way. I don't know which side is right but regardless I just don't like people complementing me on music I make, or in this case, a testimony I share. Our stories and songs our not our own; they are a gift from God that no one should boast about.

Anywho, despite my shear awkwardness while being complemented there were still about two dozen people that came up and tried to talk to me. What's worse is when they come up to my mother and say, "You must be sooooo proud of your son". Really?!? I am standing right here! How could this conversation NOT be awkward for me?!?

 I don't know.... Maybe I just need to ask God for the ability to take a complement or two when I do something in his name, but I just feel like the glory shouldn't EVER be directed at me. I don't know if what I shared today made any actual difference on anyone's life. Heck, for all I know I could have gone up and said complete gibberish for twenty minutes and people complemented me just so I didn't feel bad.

Since what I actually shared today isn't much like my written testimony I will not post the one I wrote beforehand on here. However, I will either try and rewrite it to be what I actually shared, or I will try to post the actual audio recording of me sharing today. Leave a comment if you have a preference. There is also a possibility I wont do either as I am quite lazy and am not even sure anyone would read/ listen to it if I did post it. So if you don't see it posted by tomorrow and for some crazy reason actually want it then just message me on facebook or leave a comment here. Same goes for if anyone would want to read the original typed-out version as it is more structured than what I shared (I think), and brings more of my actual personal story into it.