Forgiveness Vs. Regression (Story of my life)

I have found myself dwelling way to much in my past over the last half year or so. I spend way too much time thinking of the endless possibilities of what could have been. The pain of past mistakes sometimes becomes so heavy I just break down and become decided to just move away where no one knows my name or face. I have even highly considered building a time machine so I can go back and just punch my past self very hard until all of my sins are undone. I end up in this depression for a while until I come to the inevitable conclusion: there is no way I can hide from the wrong I've done. This is an extremely depressing conclusion, but is sadly true. There is nothing I can do in my power that can undo the sins of my past. Thankfully this is not where the story ends.

Let's talk for a minute about love. God's love always continues to amaze me and I still will never be able to truly grasp its depth. Like I had mentioned in a previous post, the cornerstone of God's unfailing love is that we as humans always have a choice. When it comes to God's love there are only two options: to accept it, or reject it. There is no grey area between these distinctions, there is no middle ground, and there is no option to simply remain undecided. Once you truly make the choice to accept this love it will completely revolutionize everything about your life. It changes who you are, your entire identity. It changes who you will be in the future and all of your goals. Last, but certainly not least of all, it changes who you were. one might ask at this point, "how can this be?" The answer is simple: forgiveness. 

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old thing have passed away, and look, new things have come." - 2 Corinthians 5:17

The immense hope and joy that just this small verse can bring is incredible. Because of Christ's forgiveness I am literally a new man. My old self and all of my past mistakes are dead to the man that I can be in Christ. This gives way to so much hope for the future and freedom to share this joy and peace with others. This is one of those passages that is extremely hard to take seriously without wanting to cry. Everyone feels the weight of past mistakes. Everyone wishes they could simply have a redo button that could change the past. Not only does God's forgiveness give us reason to move on from what can't be changed, but it also gives us the opportunity to truly know it is forgotten in God's eyes.

Now to be honest I have had that verse memorized since I was about seven thanks to my church's AWANA program that teaches children to learn and memorize God's word. I have this verse and many others with similar meaning tattooed in the back of my mind, but somehow it is so easy to blow off the entire meaning of this immense message. So often I find myself dwelling on the past, but even worse, I sometimes find myself regressing to who I was back in the day. Truthfully I fail on a second to second basis, not just in forgetting my past, but also in avoiding repetition of past sins. No matter how hard I try I can never live up to this idealized "new creation" and it get overwhelming sometimes. I get so worn down by how much wrong I have done, am doing, or could do that I just end up depressed and start thinking about the past and the cycle starts all over again. 

This endless cycle is the proverbial "thorn in my flesh" as Paul talks about in his letters to the early church. My biggest thorn is honestly not letting go of my will. You see, I have plans for my life and goals for my future, but God has very different plans goals for me. Yes, his goals are bigger and infinitely better but at the same time my goals are familiar and comfortable. He doesn't like to let me know the full plan up front; He only reveals parts as he see fit... I have a problem with this. I am not the unadventurous type by any means; I just like to know the destination of the train before I buy the ticket. So I usually end up buying a ticket for a different train that I know is going the opposite direction, but at least I know the destination. This ends up with me getting myself very hurt either emotionally, or spiritually. I end up jumping off of my train and crawling, all bloody and beaten, but to the train station. This whole process will eventually end when I just man-up and get on board with God's plan, but this is difficult. His plan involves me giving up things I really want and things I think I need. His plan involves me growing up as a christian, but I, pulling a Peter Pan, am refusing. 

Thankfully the story doesn't end there because I have made my choice. I actually made it many months ago, but this seemed easier to write from a "Me- several months ago" perspective than a "Me- present day". No longer am I trying to get on the train of my will. This is not to say that now I am on the right train I wont try to hop off from time to time. The beauty of these escape jumps I am bound to have is that the true nature of God's forgiveness understands my weaknesses and want desperately to help me through them. That right there is what true love is.

I realize this story had little relevance to much of anything, but I felt impassioned to share a little bit of my personal story with my blog as it is a part of who I am. Also I love both trains and cheesy metaphors so this post worked out perfect. My future is unclear at the moment, but I am confident that the Lord will take me great places as long as I let him lead. I just hope and pray that more and more Christians will truly let go of control, because as believes we can do all things through Christ's  love and power. The Church, as God's tool, has the power to change the world and further his cause and his kingdom if, and only if, the individual believer will allow Christ to use them.